The mailbox is empty.
The FedEx guy hasn’t shown up.
The UPS truck just whizzed by.

When do I get my new Twitter?

I was all excited to write about it in this week’s edition of “Tools, Tips, Techniques. Tested.”, and I’ve got nothing.

I even looked online. It’s not there either.

I decided that my missing Twitter must be part of some prank. So naturally, I headed over to Mommy Wants Vodka, where pranksters are rumored to cavort. It turns out that Aunt Becky has been messing with the Twitterverse.

She is the reason that John C. Mayer quit Twitter.

And she isn’t stopping there. She’s encouraging others to wreak havoc as well. She’s instructed her minions to target celebrities. She’s taught them a few dastardly SEO tricks and sent them on their way to post blogs which will get them on to the front page of Google Search for said targets.

While her plans are pure evil, I don’t think they involve me or my new Twitter. I’m not a celebrity,,,yet. But I can’t shake the feeling that the culprit is somehow involved in these shenanigans. Perhaps John C. Mayer is exacting his revenge on all of Twitterdom. And if not him, perhaps someone close to him.

I did a quick Google search and I think I’ve found a clue:

You can stop the video after he says “Jam with us.”. It’s all the evidence needed. And I have a sneaking suspicion that the person at the piano, hiding under that hoodie is NOT Merton.

That’s Ben Folds!

Or rather the prankster, Ben Folds. He’s been known to pull a stunt or two. There was that whole “Here’s my new album, Way To Normal.”. When in actuality, Ben Folds recorded a fake album that he leaked intentionally to please fans and in an attempt to stop the real album from leaking.

Please his fans? Please!
Ben Folds is a charlatan.

Born in Winston-Salem on September 12, 1966? Ha! How about 83.4 miles away in Charlotte, where charlatans come from?

I found more proof here:

Ben Folds Fake from ImprovEverywhere on Vimeo.

He dupes a theatre full of people and then acts like he’s not in on it by punching the guy in the stomach? Unbelievable. Ben Folds stole my new Twitter.

His whole career is rife with mischief. In 1994, he started Ben Folds Five. How many band members? Three.

In 1998 he recorded under the pseudonym ‘Fear of Pop’. In order not to blow his cover he records the song “In Love” with Captain Kirk on lead vocals. William Shatner and a song that is the polar opposite of ‘Song for the Dumped’? Pfft!

Mr. Ben Folds has attempted to impersonate Sir Elton John.
He pretended to be the fifth Beatle, singing Golden Slumbers on the movie soundtrack for ‘I Am Sam’.

Who cares that Ben Folds’s compositional and playing technique remain wholly unique, combining elements of the typical ‘singer/songwriter’ genre, jazz, and power rock…with an added edge and bold infusion of energy and wit (via allmusic)?

Sure, he promotes the hell out of amazing artists like Amanda Fucking Palmer.

And, yeah. He probably did the movie soundtrack for ‘Over the Hedge’ knowing his kids would get a huge kick out of it.

He’s still a thief.

And I know he has no intention of relinquishing my new Twitter. I know what he’s up to next. He’s collaborating with Nick Hornby on his album, Lonely Avenue, that comes out on September 28, 2010. Ben Folds will put music to the written words of the famed author.

Here’s a sneak peek:

Granted, it will be brilliant.

But he’s going to become a minstrel and probably roam the countryside, spreading lyrical joy, where I will have no chance of ever finding him.

I’ll get you Ben Folds. I want my new Twitter.


Update 9/21: While I have yet to recover my Twitter, if you Google ‘ben folds twitter’ (a Google-able thing!) I’m on the front page.